someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
