i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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