I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I enjoy the company of your penis
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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