it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize