his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Dick very happy bro
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
