I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
