...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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