wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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