Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
