I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
