My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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