I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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