1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
