Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
