The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
