Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
