I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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