She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
