We're facebook friends in real life
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
