and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
