I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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