How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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