i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
