im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
