i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
