i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
