I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
