I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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