So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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