his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
