so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
