Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
