i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
