Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
