i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
