my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
