I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
