I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
