im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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