We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
