i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
