I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
