now i know why i became what i already was.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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