Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize