____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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