He asked to "fluff my boner.."
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
