I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
