He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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