He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
