How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
