I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
That accounts for only three of the penises
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
