I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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