I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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