I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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