so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
