Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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