you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
