Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
