You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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