Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
