Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
