if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
